But God.

People ask how I'm feeling a lot. What a loaded question. 

Where do I start? 

I feel tired. All the time. I don't feel like me. I feel overwhelmed. 

I usually say I'm feeling the same. Or pretty good, or okay. But if you want the real, unedited, unfiltered, deep, scary, long version? You better buckle up and become a therapist in the next two seconds ;-) 

This is what's on my heart, as I lay in bed beside my sleeping sweetheart. I'm about to get up for some leftover pie, but this needs to be said. Probably more for me than for you. 

Yes, I'm exhausted upon waking. I'm often afraid and anxious. BUT GOD. I heard that prepositional (I think. Help me out, grammar police?!) phrase in a blog once. The author talked about how POWERFUL the phrase BUT GOD is. You may be struggling. In fact, I bet you are. Not in the way I am, or your best friend is, or your child is. But in your own way. And to you, it's big and it's real. Maybe it's consuming you. 

Can I just say it again? BUT GOD. He is still good. He is still real. He is the rock that is higher than I - higher than you. 

Maybe when you say "But God," it comes out more whiny. "BUT GOD, why me? Why is this happening?" Trust me, I've been there. I am there. At least ten times a day. Well, not to sound like your mother, but life's not fair. It's really not. BUT GOD (is this getting annoying?) sees you. He sees little you. And little me. And He has a plan. 

So. How do I feel? I feel... All the things. But to sum up how I feel tonight - I feel thankful. Thankful that God hooked me at a young age. I was saved at five. How privileged I was. I am thankful for a family who fostered my relationship with Him. They took me to church. They prayed with me. And I'm thankful for a husband who leads me closer to Him everyday. We just got done reading the Word and lifting our concerns to our Maker. And he forgives me every time I act like a spoiled child. I know I'm his beloved, just like I'm God's. 

Life is hard. Like, really hard. But God has given me so much to be thankful for. 

Just some thoughts - "true Good"

I think when we get to heaven, maybe God will show us, or maybe we'll just suddenly know because our eyes have been opened, just how our life story and all its jumbled pieces came together into the mural that is our life. 

I can only imagine how beautiful and awe inducing it will be to see it all come together. How amazing will it be to see how my life affected her life and how her life touched his life which then affected... You get the idea. What makes my heart ache though is that these effects we have on each other aren't always good. In fact they're often not good at all. 

They are bruises. Jabs. They're scars. Some long lasting and rippling, some not so bad and overcome. A cycle of violence started, affecting the very way that someone thinks and functions so that he doesn't even know what's normal anymore. His idea of good is relative to his own experiences, and let's just say that good is far from true Good. He's blinded. So he blinds others. Until someone, Someone, steps in. The cycle can only be broken by a decision, a choice, to do better. To do true Good. 

I don't know where you came from. I don't know your upbringing, or if it was anything but "up" but more like a tearing down that you somehow escaped. Either way - it shaped you. You had no choice. 

But you do have a choice to do different. To do better. One can come to this conclusion at any point - but I pray it's as soon as possible because life is way shorter than we know. And those babies are more fragile than we know. And your heart is more fragile than a tiny rosebud emerging at the very beginning of spring when there's a huge possibility of frost returning. So be gentle with yourself. Forgive. Be gentle with your babies. Love them. 

We'll see it come together one day. We'll see the good and the bad and how it all got woven together. And God will make it all Good. He promises. 

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Grace & Quickening

I just started doing my devotions using the app, She ReadsTruth. I HIGHLY recommend it. I love it because there are plans you can follow for 8 days, 24 days, even a year. I’m currently doing the plan “This is the Gospel” which is an 8 day plan. It works great for me because the scripture passages aren’t long – they are short passages from different parts of the Bible, all pertaining to one topic. It helps me to not be overwhelmed and keeps me focused. Then once you’re done reading the passages, there is a devotional, and then finally, a place to read and write comments so that you can discuss the readings with other readers if you so choose! It’s awesome, really.

So, anyways. Today I was reading day 6, which is called Receiving Grace. First of all, it was like the woman who wrote the devotional was me. She wrote about how she asked God to save her 20+ times as a teen and young woman. THAT WAS ME FOR ALMOST TWENTY YEARS. It made me feel sooo much better that I’m not alone in that. Finally, God has helped me to see that it’s not about what I pray, or what date I prayed it on, or whether I can remember every little detail – all that matters is that I believe and accept God's grace – and God’s grace carries the rest. His grace is all that is necessary. Not my magic words, or my begging, or my trying. That is remarkable.

The second thing that really struck me about today’s reading was the following verse. “But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.” –Romans 8:11

Paul the Apostle, those words right there HIT ME square in the face today. Thanks for writing them. And Lord, thank You for that beautiful truth.  This is where this verse took my thoughts this morning – If the Holy Spirit that was powerful enough to raise a dead man, my Savior, from the grave, and that power dwells inside of me, then there is nothing that I can’t handle. Because the Spirit resides in my body, my body (even though it’s struggling hard), is still strong. My mortal body, with its horrible liver. My mortal body, with its weariness. My mortal body, with its aches and its pains. The Holy Spirit resides in that mortal body of mine. And it quickens (which Justin informed me means “makes alive”) my mortal body. Even when I feel like I can’t go on in this body, the Spirit’s power makes it possible for me to face the day, and claim the victory.

That, my friends, is amazing. I am grateful for the Word of God today.

xo, Amanda

Ottoman Makeover

I have held on to my college ottoman, planning and planning to do something with it. It was just too girly and "dorm room like" for our home. I also wanted to bring some red into the living room to go with our gray, red, and blue palette. Well, I finally took the plunge and I wanted to share it with you all. Hopefully I'll inspire you to take on a little project yourself.

It was a pretty simple process. I bought 2 yards of fabric at JoAnn Fabrics. It was on sale for 7.99/yard - not bad, not bad. I bought the staple gun off Amazon, right here). It was great for the job, and relatively inexpensive. Besides that, all  I needed was scissors. So to sum it up:

1. Fabric (2 yards or so, depending on your ottoman size)

2. Ottoman

3. Staple gun (light duty should be fine if your fabric isn't crazy thick) plus staples

4. Scissors

Step one: Cut fabric for the lid. You can get all fancy and measure it, but I just held the fabric to the lid and left a little extra on each side to fold under to be stapled. I did the stapling, folding the corners in like a gift. Do this for all four corners, making sure to pull the fabric very snug. This is a picture of my folding for the underside of the ottoman, but it's the same technique:         

Step two: You can now move on the the main part of the ottoman. My ottoman had little stump legs, so I had to remove them, as shown. My ottoman is legless now, but it's okay. He still does his job.

Step three: Finishing off the ottoman was a little tricky for me. I wasn't sure what to do because my staples were showing, like the left picture shows. I decided to just cut a little more fabric and place it over this stapled section, stapling where it can't be seen, on the inside and bottom of the ottoman. It looks like the right picture.
  

Anddd that's it! The much anticipated before and after:

It was a lot easier than I anticipated, and I have to say that using that staple gun was pretty therapeutic ;) If you have any questions, I'll try to help! I know I didn't provide a crystal clear explanation but hopefully it helps you out a little. Thanks for stopping by!

xo, Amanda 

Hope & Family

“Hope holds a breaking heart together.” –Ann Voskamp. 

These words are truth. And I think I would add “family” as well. Hope and family hold a breaking heart together.

I keep thinking of my time at home in Pennsylvania. I flew out last week unexpectedly, because my Grandma passed away. It was a huge shock – I’m still shocked – but I hurried home and was able to be there for the services and be with my family during this difficult time. I will forever be grateful that I was able to be there. I keep thinking of how my family pulled together. My immediate family, my might-as-well-be immediate family, my tons of cousins, my married-into family, my true blue friends from near & not so near… Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on it, I want to try to put into words how grateful I am for that.

I think Grandma would be proud of you all. The way you all gathered around to support, hug, and love us. I’ve never felt so close to all of you and I think that shows how God has a way of bringing people together when they need it the most. It is an indescribable blessing to know that I’m not alone in my grief – I know you’re all grieving too, and it’s not that it makes it happy, but it makes me feel less alone. And then I think of how many of you expressed love to me, even offering me a huge bodily organ that I’m in need of. LOL What a crazy sentence that is. The burden last week was so great, it’s still so great, but you all helped in carrying it. Thank you, so much.

And Grandma, I know it all would have made you smile. I love your smile and your laugh, your entire sense of humor. You had a heart of gold and I know you’ll live on in each of us, even those who don’t directly share your genes. You’ll be in all of our hearts. And I know you’re in Paradise. Blessed assurance is blessed indeed. I love you.

Glory to be Revealed

The community of people I've discovered since being diagnosed with PSC that I never knew existed is amazing to me... I feel like my world has gotten much, much bigger. And even the things I think about now are bigger (and often scarier)... But I think they are all things God wanted me to open my eyes to. 

It's crazy how huge life changes, truly change your entire perspective. I'm thankful God is helping the perspective change to be a positive one. Yes, I have moments of massive negativity, but they don't consume me. I can't let them, and God doesn't let them. 

I'm resting in this tonight -

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Xo, Amanda

Washek Home: Stage One

Guess what?!?!?!

After nearly a month, our belongings are here. *super long exhale* We are super excited to have some furniture (mostly our bed. our glorious bed). I plan to post portions of the decorating process, because I just love things like that. I love finding affordable ways to make a space home, and hopefully blogging about it will help inspire me further, and maybe even inspire you! But I have to say that I don't like when bloggers only post the pretty, perfect, final stage. So here is real life -

Stage One:

Yeah. And that's just the kitchen.

Here is a quick snapshot of the whole place, before any of our stuff arrived:

I love this little place. It has a few quirks we didn't know about, but mosquitoes and scary cricket looking bugs aside, it's perfect for us. Wish us luck with the homemaking process!

XO, Amanda