But God.

People ask how I'm feeling a lot. What a loaded question. 

Where do I start? 

I feel tired. All the time. I don't feel like me. I feel overwhelmed. 

I usually say I'm feeling the same. Or pretty good, or okay. But if you want the real, unedited, unfiltered, deep, scary, long version? You better buckle up and become a therapist in the next two seconds ;-) 

This is what's on my heart, as I lay in bed beside my sleeping sweetheart. I'm about to get up for some leftover pie, but this needs to be said. Probably more for me than for you. 

Yes, I'm exhausted upon waking. I'm often afraid and anxious. BUT GOD. I heard that prepositional (I think. Help me out, grammar police?!) phrase in a blog once. The author talked about how POWERFUL the phrase BUT GOD is. You may be struggling. In fact, I bet you are. Not in the way I am, or your best friend is, or your child is. But in your own way. And to you, it's big and it's real. Maybe it's consuming you. 

Can I just say it again? BUT GOD. He is still good. He is still real. He is the rock that is higher than I - higher than you. 

Maybe when you say "But God," it comes out more whiny. "BUT GOD, why me? Why is this happening?" Trust me, I've been there. I am there. At least ten times a day. Well, not to sound like your mother, but life's not fair. It's really not. BUT GOD (is this getting annoying?) sees you. He sees little you. And little me. And He has a plan. 

So. How do I feel? I feel... All the things. But to sum up how I feel tonight - I feel thankful. Thankful that God hooked me at a young age. I was saved at five. How privileged I was. I am thankful for a family who fostered my relationship with Him. They took me to church. They prayed with me. And I'm thankful for a husband who leads me closer to Him everyday. We just got done reading the Word and lifting our concerns to our Maker. And he forgives me every time I act like a spoiled child. I know I'm his beloved, just like I'm God's. 

Life is hard. Like, really hard. But God has given me so much to be thankful for. 

Just some thoughts - "true Good"

I think when we get to heaven, maybe God will show us, or maybe we'll just suddenly know because our eyes have been opened, just how our life story and all its jumbled pieces came together into the mural that is our life. 

I can only imagine how beautiful and awe inducing it will be to see it all come together. How amazing will it be to see how my life affected her life and how her life touched his life which then affected... You get the idea. What makes my heart ache though is that these effects we have on each other aren't always good. In fact they're often not good at all. 

They are bruises. Jabs. They're scars. Some long lasting and rippling, some not so bad and overcome. A cycle of violence started, affecting the very way that someone thinks and functions so that he doesn't even know what's normal anymore. His idea of good is relative to his own experiences, and let's just say that good is far from true Good. He's blinded. So he blinds others. Until someone, Someone, steps in. The cycle can only be broken by a decision, a choice, to do better. To do true Good. 

I don't know where you came from. I don't know your upbringing, or if it was anything but "up" but more like a tearing down that you somehow escaped. Either way - it shaped you. You had no choice. 

But you do have a choice to do different. To do better. One can come to this conclusion at any point - but I pray it's as soon as possible because life is way shorter than we know. And those babies are more fragile than we know. And your heart is more fragile than a tiny rosebud emerging at the very beginning of spring when there's a huge possibility of frost returning. So be gentle with yourself. Forgive. Be gentle with your babies. Love them. 

We'll see it come together one day. We'll see the good and the bad and how it all got woven together. And God will make it all Good. He promises. 

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Grace & Quickening

I just started doing my devotions using the app, She ReadsTruth. I HIGHLY recommend it. I love it because there are plans you can follow for 8 days, 24 days, even a year. I’m currently doing the plan “This is the Gospel” which is an 8 day plan. It works great for me because the scripture passages aren’t long – they are short passages from different parts of the Bible, all pertaining to one topic. It helps me to not be overwhelmed and keeps me focused. Then once you’re done reading the passages, there is a devotional, and then finally, a place to read and write comments so that you can discuss the readings with other readers if you so choose! It’s awesome, really.

So, anyways. Today I was reading day 6, which is called Receiving Grace. First of all, it was like the woman who wrote the devotional was me. She wrote about how she asked God to save her 20+ times as a teen and young woman. THAT WAS ME FOR ALMOST TWENTY YEARS. It made me feel sooo much better that I’m not alone in that. Finally, God has helped me to see that it’s not about what I pray, or what date I prayed it on, or whether I can remember every little detail – all that matters is that I believe and accept God's grace – and God’s grace carries the rest. His grace is all that is necessary. Not my magic words, or my begging, or my trying. That is remarkable.

The second thing that really struck me about today’s reading was the following verse. “But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.” –Romans 8:11

Paul the Apostle, those words right there HIT ME square in the face today. Thanks for writing them. And Lord, thank You for that beautiful truth.  This is where this verse took my thoughts this morning – If the Holy Spirit that was powerful enough to raise a dead man, my Savior, from the grave, and that power dwells inside of me, then there is nothing that I can’t handle. Because the Spirit resides in my body, my body (even though it’s struggling hard), is still strong. My mortal body, with its horrible liver. My mortal body, with its weariness. My mortal body, with its aches and its pains. The Holy Spirit resides in that mortal body of mine. And it quickens (which Justin informed me means “makes alive”) my mortal body. Even when I feel like I can’t go on in this body, the Spirit’s power makes it possible for me to face the day, and claim the victory.

That, my friends, is amazing. I am grateful for the Word of God today.

xo, Amanda